Do I really have to go?

That's the question I'm asking myself right now. You see, I'm so used to working here that now, I'm actually thinking I might miss this place. And besides, there are no exams or tests here..I'm sure all of us know how good that feels right? But, one thing is that worklife can be really mundane. You come to office, sit down and do the same kind of work everyday. I'm ok with doing the same kind of work but it's the sitting down for 8 hours part that I'm not looking foward to.

The people, as in the staff are all very nice. The lawyers, besides the one or two unfriendly ones(they happen to be females) are really down to earth and they are very friendly. I'm sure there are the usual office politics and all but it seems to be very minimal at this place.

I've even grown attached to certain people in this firm (Vaani, I'm not referring to 'Mr winter-wear' ok) and I feel sad leaving these people. Oh well, whatever it is, I HAVE to complete my final semester to graduate. Perhaps after that I might consider coming back here to work.

Besides, 'Mr winter-wear' will still be here right, Vaani? :-)

Clueless

Yesterday was not such a bad day..in the beginning atleast, besides the fact that I embarrassed myself..as usual. I went for a PPO trial and had to take down notes of evidence. The trial started at 2 and ended around 6. I was so, very sleepy since morning itself and going for a 4-hour trial didn't help much. However, it was really interesting. Only at a certain point, I decided to give my hand a break from all the writing. After which, I guess I decided to give my eyes a break as well unknowingly.
I was dozing off, but i wasn't sleeping yet.

Just then, the wife(who is also the one applying for Personal Protection Order) had to turn around and ask me something. You know when you are about to doze off, it will take some time to snap out of that state to fully comprehend what people are saying? Yes, so I didn't respond obviously. Then in my head I kept telling myself "Wake up Vasaantha, don't embarrass yourself further, wake up you idiot!". N after snapping out of that half-asleep state, I asker her "Pardon, what?" And she just replied saying "He(her husband) is lying". Yeh, like I didn't know that?? I really wanted to thank her for disrupting my 'sleep'.

Then after work I went for driving. You know, ever since I started learning driving, I have been so enthusiastic about it. I mean I really, really like it. And I can't wait to get my license. And it was my 3rd lesson and this is what happened:
Instructor: "Ok, now you turn out."
Me : "What?? Into the main road?"
Instructor: "Ya la. Isn't that what I told you? Turn out"
Me : (Muruga..that's it..)

But, the thing is I really liked driving on the main road. Only thing was that at one point of time I panicked and released the clutch when I was on first gear(he kept asking me to change from one gear to another) and the engine stalled and the car stopped in the middle of nowhere. My instructor just burst out laughing. And yes, I embarrassed myself once again.

Unexpected things happened later on, at night. Things went out of control. I can be very patient, but don't take advantage of it. If you push me over the edge, I will burst. And that's what happened yesterday. I said things I shouldn't have said, I did things I wouldn't normally do. Until now, I'm clueless as to why I hurled vulgarities to that extent. It was totally out of control. It was like..I wasn't myself. but I don't regret it because I've been too patient..too tolerant. Only thing I regret is putting my Aunty through so much pain. I really regret that..

Moving on

You know, so far I've only been writing entries on general issues. But I can't help but to write about something that has been bothering me recently.

To me, I've always put my friends on par with my family. To the extent I get reprimanded by parents or relatives at times. I used to have quite a number of friends last time, but over the years I realised that it was pointless. That was one of the reasons as to why I deleted Friendster. I would accept requests on Friendster without having a single clue about who the person is. Just like many others, I thought having many friends would make me well known, famous and most importantly, it meant that I was wanted.

However, I came to realise that having a few good friends was all I needed. I didn't find any happiness in trying to become famous or trying to make it seem like I was wanted. But, I did find happiness in having the few close friends who were ALWAYS there for me and who knew me inside out, and valued me.

So, I became very selective or you could even say judgmental. I would choose who I want to mix with and who I want to talk to. Well, I wouldn't say 'would' because I am still doing that. I don't share my personal things with anyone except my close friends. My social circle shrunk immensely but I couldn't give two hoots about that because..I was happy. When my birthday came, I only looked foward to meeting up with my friends, so much so to the extent that every year my mother would tell me "You had better not spend the entire day with your beloved friends. You better come back home early."

It upsets me to think that even though I gave so much importance, it wasn't always the case on the other side. When a guy comes into the picture everything else changes. Well, maybe I might change too..I wouldn't know because everytime a guy is in my life, he would turn out to be the asshole of the century. I was never 'SO-in-love', and thus I always needed my friends. But, when a girl IS so-in-love, she puts the guy before her friends. Unlike most guys who still hang out with their friends, and try to balance the time between their friends and girlfriends, girls don't do that. When she finds her man, she gives everything else up.

It really upsets me to think that a guy can do so much to a girl, and have such a high level of significance in her life..to the extent that the girl totally indulges in ignorance when it comes to her girlfriends. When I told my mother about it, my mum simply laughed and said "Well, you can't be holding on to your friends forever isn't it? When they get a guy, they start living their own lives and you have to move away as well."

Well, I guess my mum does have a point. And also, another reason as to why I'm so upset could be because I don't trust men. I don't. And because I don't, I guess I'm thinking 'why is she giving so much importance to him? Weren't all her girlfriends there for her all her life? She lets a GUY take control of her life like that?' My thoughts are biased of course.

Whatever, it is..one thing's for sure - I have to move on. I have live my own life now. And if I have to let go of a friend, then I would just have to do that..without giving two hoots about her.

Memories

Just the other day, me and Vaani(barney) were chatting and we realised we shared similar interests in poetry. Well, not many people know how much I love poetry or appreciate it for that matter. So, I decided to post one of my favourite poems here.

This is by 19th century poet, Elizabeth Barrett Browning. She is one of the greatest female English poets and this one comes from her collection of love Sonnets. Her poems emphasise greatly on petrarchan love, which is of course considered entremely melodramatic in this century. Yet, I still love her works as there is something really potent and magical about them.

I first read this peom about 4 years back..and it brings back bitter sweet memories.

Well, if you're one who doesn't fancy poetry, you should still read this. Read every line carefully, and comprehend the meaning behind each line, reminiscing the last time you felt love..


How do I love thee? Let me count the ways.
I love thee to the depth and breadth and height
My soul can reach, when feeling out of sight
For the ends of Being and ideal Grace.
I love thee to the level of every day's
Most quiet need, by sun and candlelight.
I love thee freely, as men strive for Right;
I love thee purely, as they turn from Praise.
I love with a passion put to use
In my old griefs, and with my childhood's faith.
I love thee with a love I seemed to lose
With my lost saints, I love thee with the breath,
Smiles, tears, of all my life! and, if God choose,
I shall but love thee better after death..

On the brink

I sat down and thought about it. I thought, perhaps my expectations are high. So I made a decision, to lower my expectations and stick with the basics. If you're lost at this point in time, do not fret. I am talking about the obvious - dating.

But I realised that EVEN when I decide to look for the basics, it is not there. Maybe I'm giving off some vibes that I am some rich kid.
- "Hey, so you're going to pay for me right?"

I certainly do not expect a man to pay for me. A guy friend of mine once told me "Hey, all you women talk about gender equality right? Why is it that you expect the men to always pay for you'll?" Ok, fine. I concur with my friend on that because gone are the days where only men used to work and women were just docile, subservient beings who just took care of households. Women work these days and toil just as hard to earn that extra penny. So a woman CAN pay for herself. I personally don't need a guy to pay for me. But, if I can pay for myself, so can you. My basic expectation was - you pay for yourself, and I will pay for myself. So, even though I lowered my expectation, it was of no use.

Then, if me being a rich kid wasn't enough, I'm beginning to think maybe I'm also suggesting that I'm really into physical intimacy.
- "Hey, so if it happens it happens, you know what I mean. I mean when we are hungry we eat isn't it. So same thing, if we feel it, we can do it what. Nothing wrong with that"

That's very true. When we're hungry we eat. When we feel horny(to put it in a crude way), we engage in physical intimacy. So, aren't we any different from animals? Don't we possess sixth sense? Doesn't it enable us to make choices, make decisions, and THINK? When we are hungry we eat - but unlike animals where they just go solely by their instincts, we can choose to do something else. We can choose. So when my 'date' doesn't even realise something as basic as this, what's the point of me lowering my expectations?

I mean I decided to move out of my shell due to my friends constantly pestering me, telling me that I need to meet new guys and I need someone new in my life. But hey, I tried. And these guys are not 18-yr-olds. They are all 22 and above. So, what can I do?

I shall go back to having my initial level of high expectations and embrace singlehood for the rest of my life as a result of that.

Well Well

Here I am, once again, trying to blog. My previous attempts failed miserably as I will enthusiastically write in some entry on my Friendster blog, and thereafter delete it off after asking myself "do I really want everybody to know whats going on in my life? Do I really need to show my underwear to the public?"

So, there are two reasons why I am blogging now. I've deleted friendster. Secondly, working at a law firm as an intern isn't really one of the most exciting things in life.

As for my blog address, I had a few considerations. At first I wanted it to be something cool like Nemesis - the goddess of vengeance according to ancient Egyptian religion. Then it prompted me that that username has already been taken. It also gave suggestions such "vas-nemesis" and "vas-vasaantha", all of which i obviously didn't fancy. Then i thought ok nevermind, let's try something abstract, like Singapore shortfilms nowadays. So i thought let's try "Death" or like "coffin" or "chocolate" and all of those were rejected as well. So in my frustration, I typed hoolahey. N there.

So once again, I'm going to attempt to write bits and pieces of my opinions. I'll see how long this lasts.