Think Positive

I hate to write about depressing issues. So here's my attempt at turning even the most depressing issues, into something positive..

It's alright that we don't talk anymore. I mean ever since you got attached and found a job and all, we stopped talking everyday anyway. Just that when I need someone to talk to or cry to, I'll really feel the pinch. In a funny way, this has made me realise my own faults. It has made me realise that my ego isn't going to do me any good at all. It has made me realise that each time I snap, I inevitably hurt someone else. It also has made me realise that friendship isn't lifelong. As we grow older, we have other commitments; bigger commitments. And we can't be sitting down and thinking about friendship, or 'friends-forever' like some teenagers. We have to grow out of it. And I'm learning to grow out of it.

When you're really stressed, that's when you start remembering every single person who has hurt you. And I've never really had a sister to begin with. But it's alright because my time will come. This difficult stage will pass eventually, and I'm sure my dreams will come true. And I thank god that although I don't really have a sister, I have great friends and my Aunt. These people have been so much like sisters to me, that I never had the need to regret anything. And even now, I shouldn't be regretting anything.

I'm always wanting to be appreciated. I'm always wanting recognition for my hard work. I mean who doesn't? But when I don't get it, I get very upset. I feel like bursting and screaming and confronting the people who are supposed to thank me, and asking them why they didn't do so. Esp when I feel that women, never really get the due recognition they're supposed to get. But it's good in a way because, I get a feel of work life. At my future work place, that's how people are going to treat you. So, it's good that I got to experience those politics in a miniature scale.

As for cash, I'm totally broke for now, but all bad things come to an end as well. Thanks to growth dividends!

Thanks Rashmi..for being there for me. I was a few seconds away from going completely berserk..thanks once again..

Amazed and numbed

I've never heard you say that you want to end this friendship. In a funny way, it's worse than a break up. My heart just feels so heavy now.

And you can't deny the fact that the reason why you so confidently decided to throw away this friendship, is because you have a boyfriend now. It's funny how a man who enters your life way later than I did can get so much of importance. Has the thought of ending your relationship with him ever crossed your mind? No isn't it. But now.. you decided to just cut contact with me.

But who am I kidding? Who needs friends when you've already found your other half isn't it? And all these over an extremely minor issue. So 7 years of friendship becomes nothing each time I snap. Perhaps according to you, all I've been doing for the past 7 years is to snap.

I guess I've never been there for you when you had to cry your heart out. I guess I never cried when YOU were hurt. I guess I never spoke so well about you to my mum, that she loves u as much as she loves me. I guess I never did anything good for you..for these past 7 years.

Seriously, it's that easy huh..to just throw everything away? I'm amazed.

I lost the little bit of faith I had in relationships when I was cheated for the third time. But now, I've lost the whole lot of faith I had in friendship, when you told me you're willing to just..throw everything away. Just. like. that.

Things change isn't it? Stupid me. I never realise that. Well, honestly I'm so devoid of feelings already.

I don't have any energy to cry anymore or even feel sad for that matter.

I wish I had some asshole as a boyfriend in my life right now, so that I can easily get over this, and easily not care about losing a friend as well..

On a different note, Rashmi.. thanks a lot for the Brownie and the Punjabi suit. I still can't digest the fact that you appeared at the TP audi out of nowhere. It was really really such a sweet thing to do. Thanks you:-)

After one year

It's Tamil New Year. Usually this day would not really be of much significance to me besides the fact that I get to savour my mum's excellent vegetarian food. However, this year it reminds me of what exactly I did one year ago.

How I had been so dumb to do such a thing. How I refused to listen to my best friend's word of advice and went against her. I realise it now but I can't turn back time.

I don't know about others but I.. NEVER listen. If I think it's right, I'll do it. And last year, at this point of time, I recall how much I wanted to prove to everyone else that what I did was absolutely right. But only that it wasn't.

I can't even believe it has been a year and still no justice has been done. I've been sitting around and waiting far too long for something to happen. I can't hold up all these pent up feelings of hatred in me..

Help

I need a life. Seriously.

I've got too many things to do..I think I need a proxy.

Four random issues

My last post was published almost a month back. I have had absolutely no time to write any new entries.
Anyway, I'm just gonna write very random things for now.

Firstly, Swarnam preparations...
Although draining, I really think I'm gonna miss it big time. Especially since this is my last year. If there's one thing I'll remember when I leave TP, it would be ICG and Swarnam.

Even though we've been dancing every single day now, for at least 2 hours..we fail to lose weight because we're either at Tekka or the prata shop opposite school eating briyani during lunch. It's really fun when you go with a big bunch of nutcases and whack briyani together.

And although folk dance was on the verge of being scraped off the list because of a million problems, I'm really glad that everything fell into place eventually. I'm so glad that we didn't give up. Just that I suck as a teacher la..Sasi should know that. Teaching is just not my cup of tea. Impatience is.

Secondly, speaking of Sasi...
This girl was so damn sweet. You know how life can be so mundane at times without a special someone or even a crush for that matter. My complete disdain for guys aside, I admit that life can be pretty boring at times. But, I guess with friends like her it just makes up for that emptiness.

So she got her first pay, and she knows how broke I am, and how I've always been wanting a water bottle. I mean I buy mineral water EVERY SINGLE day. Now, let's say one bottle costs $1, I spend at least $365 a year on mineral water. So I've always been wanting to cut costs on that.

And Sasi and I were looking at water bottles and I tell her I'm gonna get one. She takes the one I like and pays for it and refuses to let me pay her back. On top of that, she puts the hair clip which I really liked into the bag without my knowledge. Earlier on she claimed that she was buying the clip for her colleague. I was really touched. I know she has a million expenses herself. But her her gesture was just really touching.

Thirdly, my degree programme...
officially started yst. I went for the Bridging course and boy was I on the verge on dying. I think I've never felt that exhausted in my entire life. I'm not the sort to sit and complain to ppl that it's tiring or whatever. Usually I just take with a pinch of salt just as I did during my Student Internship period. Cos I believe the more you think of it and make it a big issue, the more it's gonna be hard on you.

But seriously, yst I just felt like calling someone and crying to them. And my hp battery died. I was in school since 10 in the morning to practise dance. After like 6 hours of practise(I'm not kidding), I dragged myself to go for the class. When I took the bus back home I was seriously squinting my eyes for some reason. It was an involuntary action. I just wanted to sleep.

I went home and I had to do some stuff before I slept. So to get energised I tried to watch some Russell Peters, but even he didn't help much. But, looking on the positive side, I got a feel of how it will be like when I start work. I mean this is almost exactly how it's gonna be like, and I can prepare myself better for it now. Good thing I got to see Anan at the bus stop and he provided some company cos I think I would have just dozed off while standing.

Lastly...
Certain things keep bothering me. Actually only ONE thing in particular. I don't think you can get away with any bad deed without being punished. Even in Silapathikaran it's written that uzhvinai uruthuvanthu uttiyeh thirum. For those who don't know what's Silapathikaram, it's one of the 5 great Tamil epics written in the fifth century. I remember learning this quote a long time back. Of course, for this blog entry I had to refresh my memory by asking my mum.

But in that story, the author, Elangovadigal had written that the reason why Kovalan was executed wrongly, was due to his own past misdeeds which had caused him his life. Basically Karma. I believe in that fervently.

I really cannot stand people saying that someone has reformed and that the person deserves another chance in life. If you have reformed, good for you. But, you WILL pay for what you did and what you did is NOT something that can be changed because you reformed. It is irreversible and you will be punished accordingly.