Regret

Something keeps bothering me. In fact, I thought I was doing very well by ignoring it. But, I realise i have to face it..and facing it is the most painful process.

Day after day, I block thoughts and the slightest memories trigger me to start thinking about something else. After a while, you realise by shunning it away, you are thinking more and more about it..
One day, you realise that if you don't face reality now, you might just never get to in the future.

For me, it wasn't so much about accepting things. Surprisingly enough, I wasn't in denial for too long. But, it is the recurring thoughts which bother me. I thought it would be good enough that I accepted the truth. But that's not the hardest part. Acceptance is only the start. It is the constant reminders of what I did, and what he did, and what she did which kill me.

I yearn for revenge. And then I suppress that thought. But it just grows bigger each day.

I hate myself for being reticent. That's the biggest problem with me. People don't know how much things bother me because I never show it. My pride would never allow me to show it. The few people who do know about things which happen in my life, they never know how much it affects me..because I wouldn't allow them to.

How can I ever forget what he did and forgive her for what she did? I can't seem to. Forgiving is just not even one of my options now. And I hate the fact that I have grown so cold. This is what this whole thing has done to me.

I don't trust anybody as well. Everything around me seems dull, everyone around me seem utterly irritating. But this was something I brought upon myself. I knew there was a pit and I fell into it willingly, with my eyes closed. I can't help but to chide myself for being so stupid. I should have known better.

I am so lost. I don't know in which direction to head or what to do. I regret everything.