Something keeps bothering me. In fact, I thought I was doing very well by ignoring it. But, I realise i have to face it..and facing it is the most painful process.
Day after day, I block thoughts and the slightest memories trigger me to start thinking about something else. After a while, you realise by shunning it away, you are thinking more and more about it..
One day, you realise that if you don't face reality now, you might just never get to in the future.
For me, it wasn't so much about accepting things. Surprisingly enough, I wasn't in denial for too long. But, it is the recurring thoughts which bother me. I thought it would be good enough that I accepted the truth. But that's not the hardest part. Acceptance is only the start. It is the constant reminders of what I did, and what he did, and what she did which kill me.
I yearn for revenge. And then I suppress that thought. But it just grows bigger each day.
I hate myself for being reticent. That's the biggest problem with me. People don't know how much things bother me because I never show it. My pride would never allow me to show it. The few people who do know about things which happen in my life, they never know how much it affects me..because I wouldn't allow them to.
How can I ever forget what he did and forgive her for what she did? I can't seem to. Forgiving is just not even one of my options now. And I hate the fact that I have grown so cold. This is what this whole thing has done to me.
I don't trust anybody as well. Everything around me seems dull, everyone around me seem utterly irritating. But this was something I brought upon myself. I knew there was a pit and I fell into it willingly, with my eyes closed. I can't help but to chide myself for being so stupid. I should have known better.
I am so lost. I don't know in which direction to head or what to do. I regret everything.
3 comments:
revenge always seems sweet.. trust me.. i have considered tt so many times.. to be able to do sth to get back at them for the amt of hurt and pain caused.. but end of the day, the one thing tt will kill them inside is to see u extremely happy without them and doing a million times better since they left.. so just close ur eyes, think of me and chant my name.. it will make all the sorrows disappear.. really. try it...
hey there..,
Aft readin this entry, i jus cudn't navigate away without sayin this. all these bitter experiences you had been experiencing, could be taken in another way. you may say its easy to say than to execute. but its for me to say n for you to try... take it as an experience.. quite a solid one. a very much etchy one tht you wudn't want any more lessons of this sought in ur life. without fallin, one cant learn to balance their body n stand on their own legs. Rite now, I can onli say this. so stay happy n like ray said, make them realise or else dun worry .. God will make them realise.. for ur still God's child.. so smile yeah? :-)
hey, i am guessing this is what u wanted to talk about. sorry i wasnt there, i hope i'm not too late.
admist the chaos, i really do hope u make peace, with urself, if not anyone else. we'll talk, u, me and tuesday, okies? see u soon, dear. all shall be fine! :) *hugs*
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